Dear critter in my ceiling,
Get out. Please. You wake me up with your scurrying noises. This is only the second time, but three strikes and I call the maintenance guys.
You sound small, so I’m guessing you’re a squirrel. If I buy you some nuts and put them on my balcony, will you promise to stay out of my ceiling?
Walnuts? Pecans? I know peanuts aren’t good for squirrels, but I’m pretty sure they don’t sell bags of acorns at Dillons.
Love,
Katie
Posted: 10:52 am ·
Category: Apartment, Letters ·
Comments: 1
Dear Bank of America, Vanguard, E*TRADE and McClatchy,
You owe me tax documents. Get your shit together. I’m very anxious to file my taxes and find out how much my refund will be.
If I said I was saving up for a boob job, would they get here any faster?
You know, hypothetically. Since none of you have actually seen me.
Love,
Katie
Posted: 9:01 pm ·
Category: Letters, Rants ·
Comments: 1
Dear internet retailers,
You don’t have to ship my package UPS or FedEx. You’re not overnighting it, because I’m too cheap for that. You’re shipping it ground. Why not use USPS?
I don’t need someone to sign for my package. I need my package. And because I’m never home when you stop by, you end up taking it to the apartment complex office, which is only open when I’m not here.
Just ship it USPS. Put it in my mailbox. My mailbox has plenty of room. I wouldn’t even care if I couldn’t track it online, as long as I get my shipment hassle-free.
Or give me a USPS option at least, even if it’s not the default. Please?
Your loyal shopper,
Katie
Posted: 10:47 am ·
Category: Consumerism, Letters ·
Comments: None
Dear clothing retailers,
All I wanted was crew-necked, cable-knit sweater. I’m not terribly picky about the color, but I’m aiming for a light neutral, or maybe a golden yellow. I’m not picky about the cables, as long as they’re not too elaborate. I might even accept a v-neck, although I’m finding the trendy, deep all-the-way-down-to-my-navel v to be terribly unflattering. And shawl-neck sweaters? Who made this crap up? I just want an incredibly generic sweater.
WHY DO YOU NOT HAVE THESE IN YOUR STORES? WHY IS A VERY BASIC WINTER STAPLE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND?
I am willing to settle and I am easily parted from my money. Seriously, it is not that hard to get me to hand over my credit card.
I JUST WANT A FUNCTIONAL SWEATER. THE LACK THEREOF IS MAKING ME A CRANKY CONSUMER. MOSTLY BECAUSE IT IS COLD OUTSIDE AND I DON’T HAVE THE SWEATER I INTENDED TO BE WEARING BY NOW.
Now I’m going to have to turn into my mom and start buying all this stuff from Lands End. I am to young to accept that fate. Please, please, retailers, come through for me.
Shiveringly yours,
Katie
Posted: 11:29 pm ·
Category: Flair, Letters ·
Comments: 3
There’s a guy who lives downstairs from me who never wears a shirt.
And he reminds me of an ex so it completely skeeves me out.
Also, it doesn’t help that every time we run into each other, I’m doing something stupid.
So.
Dear neighbor,
Have you considered wearing a shirt? I mean, I’m 100% for going clothing-optional while you’re at home, but the courtyard and the laundry room are, uh… So, have you considered wearing a shirt?
And I’m sure it’s obvious at this point that I’m an absolute klutz, but I really am smarter than I’ve been acting for the past day or two.
And the look of panic in my eyes? It’s because you look exactly like this asshole I dated for a couple of months a very long time ago.
Apprehensively yours,
Katie
Posted: 1:01 pm ·
Category: Apartment, Letters ·
Comments: 2
Dear internet,
Contrary to his claims, Kyle is a really, really bad bowler.
But he got better after that pitcher of beer, so maybe there’s hope for him.
Yours,
Katie
Posted: 8:58 am ·
Category: Letters ·
Comments: None
Dear Northern Pipeline Construction Co. crew,
For the month between when my block was marked up with three sets of color-coded flags and when you guys started digging up front yards, I was worried that it would turn our crowded street (why so few garages? why must everyone park on the street?) into a complete nightmare.
But it’s been a week, and it hasn’t been bad. You are all very considerate, moving your big machines out from in front of my driveway when I need out in the morning. You’re quiet when I’m sleeping and you’ve got everything tidied up by the time I get home in the evening.
To the crew leader: You were very polite this morning when you told me you needed to shut off my gas (especially compared to the Kansas Gas Service smartass who came to turn it back on). I appreciated your communication skills.
To the crew member who helped guide me out of the driveway this morning: I was pretty sure I could squeeze between your, uh, big digging machine thing and the truck parked right next to the drive, but I appreciated you flagging me through it. Starting my morning with a big scrape on my car would not have been fun and you saved me from undoubtedly making some sort of 13-point maneuver.
I still have no idea what the hell you guys are doing, but I’m sure you’re doing a 100% awesome job. Keep up the good work.
Thanks,
Katie
Posted: 10:09 pm ·
Category: Letters ·
Comments: None
