A tale of two boobs: Part 6
Now I know why there aren’t any good euphemisms for nipple reconstruction. There is simply no succinct yet accurate way to label such a grotesque procedure, and the words “nipple reconstruction” are sufficiently horrifying on their own.
The first thing the nurse asked me after I checked in at the surgery center was, “and what are you here for today?” This is, of course, to keep from accidentally confusing me with the patient next to me, who was there to have his adenoids removed and his septum realigned. When I answered the nurse, I heard the father of the patient next to me — the thin curtain between beds affords fantastic privacy — whisper in the most horrified tone, “nipples…???” Yeah, I’d rather have my adenoids out, too.
The surgeon told me that I’d feel no pain at all around my new Franken-nipples. I haven’t felt anything in that vicinity since the mastectomy. And yes, while I continue to feel no pain there, if I accidentally press or tug on the bandages, I faint. So there must be one or two nerves left.
But there is pain elsewhere. Plenty of it.
You see, plastic surgeons can’t make something out of nothing. They scavenge from other body parts to fabricate new parts. So when they need some slightly darker skin to make a vaguely realistic areola, they steal the uniquely-pigmented skin adjacent to the naughty bits.
Whoever invented this procedure deserves to have it done to him. Seriously. Motherfucker. Ow.
And the best part about having a fresh, three-inch incision on the inside of each thigh? There is no position, no clothing configuration, no treatment can make it hurt less.
Although in a moment of pure genius, I bought some boxer briefs so that I don’t have to suffer the panty-leg-on-stitches rubbing. I’m not entirely sure that it made things feel less painful, but I’ve found that thinking I’m doing something to help is a fantastic placebo.
And I have also discovered the awesomeness that is man underwear. I thought girl underwear was, for the most part, pretty comfy. And now I know that it’s just another ridiculous way that women torture themselves. Boxer briefs are awesome. Everyone should have some.
