Grieving for my lost self
So. I haven’t written much lately. I mean to, and I keep thinking of things I should write, but…somehow I don’t get around to it.
I was reading through my referrer logs and for whatever reason, I clicked one of the links to an old archive page and started reading. I guess it’d been linked to by some sort of porn search from google (and I never found the entry that said anything about porn), and I wanted to see what I was like back then.
I was floored. I’ve changed so much. I don’t know what changes my writing reflects, but somehow I’d happened upon the archive from the most pivotal month in my life, and I felt so far removed from where I was then. So envious of that girl who was at the place where I had all my big decisions to make, all my paths open, all my heart to give. And were it not for my roommate sitting a yard away from me, I’d be absolutely bawling right now.
My childish side wants to scream, “I want a do-over!” I want to go back and enjoy the happy things more, wallow in the sad things less, and really understand the significance of the things I wrote about as if they were nothing more than slices of bread.
I can think back to what I was doing two years ago without pain, but when I read my daily writings about what I was thinking, what I was doing, how I was falling so very much in love with a guy who lives a two minute drive away but I never see anymore…well, then I see why memory doesn’t allow us that sharp of a focus on our past.
I almost wish I didn’t have a record of it.
This may be really off subject but it may help just a little. There is a girl on my floor who has Hefty this year for English. Reading your old posts about Hefty are the only things keeping her sane.
Comment by Kati — 10/1/2003 @ 3:47 pm
aww… i know what you mean though. i sometimes want to back to the IB, because i had so much fun there, and i was so happy all the time…
Comment by mae — 10/3/2003 @ 10:38 am
It’s interesting that you mention that, as just today I did the same thing, minus the bawling part. Sure, I’d like a redo (oh god what I wouldn’t give…) but I was a dumbass. I keep thinking that I’ve just continually descended ever deeper into my idiocy, but maybe I’m not getting stupider after all. It’s strange, and I suppose I’m glad for having the record, but some of it is just embarrassing.
Comment by Ben — 10/5/2003 @ 3:05 am